the thing about death

is that it is unexpected 

it hits you at 11am on a sunday morning 

with ice chips 

and thinking,

what outfit should be the last thing my dad sees me in?

comfortable, 

but i want to look nice,

but it’s a hospital,

i’ll look silly dressed

up, 

and that’s what i’m worrying about today? 

it’s jumbled talk of organ failure and 

i’m so sorry and 

i’m his nurse and do you need anything?

and i think i need everything. 

i deserve everything after this. 

i stayed for the dropping heart monitor, 

planned the funeral, 

shook all the hands. 

no one talks about how exhausting it is. 

i stayed for everything 

waiting for a state of forgiveness from god

wondering what i could have done

to deserve these

broken promises of

failing organs.